Moving on. Its an interesting thing to say. I can't tell you how many times I have uttered those words only to find myself sitting in a puddle of tears and self pity. This time is different. I've taken control of my emotions and have realized that my life is exactly how it should be. Well, for now anyways. I am at least on the path to greater things.
By no means did I expect to be a divorced, single mom. BUT, you must try to see the positive in all things. And If I so badly loved and wanted to be with the wrong man for me, then how wonderful will it be when I find the right one? Thr truth is, you outgrow people, sometimes. You grow up and grow apart. Sometimes, there's not a thing you can do to change it. Plain and simple... Chris and I wanted different things out of life. I don't feel the need to go into detail of the breakdown of our marriage. Just that... it simply did not work out and we do not love each other any more. Not in the way you should love a spouse. Its heartbreaking. You don't go into marriage expecting or wanting failure. When I fail, I beat myself up. I go into all of the "what ifs, should have, could haves"... and I blame. I blame myself, I blame him, I blame people around me who I feel were negative aspects of my life... I blame. I cannot, nor will I do that anymore. It's not healthy for me or my children.
It's really difficult, I feel for people around me to understand my new way of thinking. But, I'm sort of on survival mode right now. I am doing everything I can to keep it all together (to have my ducks all in a row, per say). I try to make our daily life as easy and routine as possible. Kids thrive on structure, so I make sure to give them it! I try to have fun little outings as much as possible, and spend as much quality time with each child as I can. I dont really have time for outsiders in my life right now. I am not very welcoming of people coming in trying to throw off our routine that we have so nicely set up for ourselves. In that aspect, how will I ever find a partner in life? I am not spontaneous. I wish I was. But I have a certain way of living my life, and while I welcome change every now and then, it's really difficult for me to just up and go. I'm the girl with lists and labels (as much as I hate to admit that). *sigh*
I am an eternal optimist inside my head, but tend to spew out all the negative factors of everything. How does that even make sense?! Oh yes, it is because I am a woman :-) !
So the subject I want to touch on is love. I was with the same man for 5 1/2 years. Never thought I would be without him. I thought I was done with "getting to know each other" and going on dates. I am not a dater. I hate it. I hate feeling like I cant sit down and have a nice dinner with someone without feeling like Im being interviewed for a job (only to find out that I was not hired lol).
I pretend to be confident. I am not. I am the most insecure person... which I do NOT put myself out there like that because insecurity is just not attractive. If I think a guy is cute, I automatically assume hes too good for me, and that he would NEVER want anything to to with someone like me. Geez. I don't know how I came to these thoughts inside my head. I think I am averagely pretty. I am not skinny, but I also dont think that automatically makes me unattractive. Anyways, enough with insecurities. Like I said... unattractive.
So here's the thing. All I want is a best friend. I want a man who understands all my quirks. Who can deal with the fact that I am emotional, tend to think too deeply, analyze way too often. I need a man who can appreciate my love for poetry and music, and respect me for putting my children first. I need a man who can balance me out. Someone who can respect who I am, but can bring me out of my shell every now and then, ya know?
Anyways, those are my thoughts on love and life right this second. Feel free to comment :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment